Alien Keyes.
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Source: alienkeyes
ABMC #27 - Back Woods:
VCRs should have a feature that prevents sh*t like this from being able to be recorded, but that technology apparently does not exist.
Has one of your friends ever brought over an old VHS tape and say “Hey, we should watch this. It’s SO dumb.” If they brought Back Woods, never let them in your house again.
For Real.
It’s hard to say what the hell happened in this wreck, but I think it’s safe to say that the dentists (yes, DENTISTS) who made this had some serious problems (a Nitrous Oxide habit, perhaps?)
Starting with the first frame, the storytellers decide to show the audience their knowledge and technical prowess of their handy cam as we take a color negative tour of some suburban woods, complete with in-camera transitions. If you thought you had the stomach to endure this level of awful, get ready for MANGINA.
If you keep watching, you’ll meet a man in woman’s clothing living in the woods who gives anal birth to a fully grown man whom she’s kept in her womb for 30 years. Born a genius, Luther hits his head on a rock and goes full retard (You never go full retard).
Then there’s the obligatory van full of drunken, horned up college kids who stop at a gas station cleverly disguised as a park picnic pavilion. The kids then proceed to run down Luther’s momma and incur his full wrath.
It’s hard to suss out the most abrasive thing about this… thing. Because it’s not a movie by any stretch. The plot is completely malformed and improvised by talentless actors, but that isn’t the whole picture. This turd is self-aware. There is a painfully drug out segment where the “editor” (who also is a main character) is forced to awkwardly apologize over the editing of a “love” scene.
This and many other such “funny” moments play like a giant neon middle finger to the face of anyone who hates themselves enough to watch it.
3(or more) out of 3 Cinnamon Bears.
Lucky for us we had Boyd to keep our spirits alive for this one, but if you do not have access to a Boyd I do not recommend attempting to watch Back Woods.
ABMC Outtake - Jason’s take on Back Woods
Jason shares his views on this week’s Awfully, AWFULLY Bad Movie: Back Woods.
ABMC Easter Special - The Passion of the Christ
You’re probably aware of this flick. It made a RIDICULOUS amount of money, church groups showed up to the theater by the bus load and handed over their pieces of silver to lay their eyes upon the lord and savior as he was mercilessly beaten for 2 straight hours up on the BIG SCREEN. It even killed a lady.
Perhaps you haven’t seen it for yourself (that’s probably a good thing).
Mel Gibson - the guy who first played the crazed drunken Martin Riggs (then actually became him) and later directed Braveheart made an über violent movie. *Spoiler Alert*
I speak for the entire Awfully Bad Movie Club when I say that we absolutely have nothing against Jesus or Christianity or anyone that believes. So when I say this movie is awful, know that it is in spite of those things.
The glaring flaw with The Passion of the Christ is that it has such a laser-like focus on the brutality surrounding the death of Jesus that it doesn’t even bother to recognize why he was sent to his death in the first place. Nothing is explained to the viewer and the only times that we don’t see Jesus drenched in blood is during the infrequent and fleeting flashbacks of his “good old days” (where he apparently invented the dining table).
So, if you’re new to or curious about the messianic tale of millennia gone by, this movie is not going to answer any questions for you (unless you want to know more about ancient Roman weapons of torture).
It also doesn’t help that most of the dialogue is spoken in dead languages.
3 out of 3 Cinnamon Bears.
ABMC Outtake - The Intro.
Hunking, barely able to contain his excitement, has a bit of a struggle introducing this weeks Special Episode.
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Source: acdemario
